Monster House: look a girl!

monster house

Happy October, it’s a spooky season, so it’s time to review a movie I haven’t seen in ~15 years. Monster House scared me so bad as a kid the one time I watched it. Hope you enjoy my take on it!

every old man in fiction, especially in Monster House

Quick Summary!

Boy likes to watch his neighbor, who wants all the kids to get off his lawn. Any toys or items that end up on the lawn are swallowed by the house because the house is alive. After a brief encounter with an old man, trying to impress a girl with his bestie, he’s injured and the boy thinks he killed the old man. The cops show up, tell them to mosey along and the cops get devoured by the house. They plunge into the belly of the beast, without the house knowing, and find the body of the old man’s wife, Candance encased in cement. They force the house to throw them up, the old man comes back, and he shares the truth. Together they destroy the house and recover all that entered the house.

Comments while watching Monster House

Premise set up

  • Man I haven’t seen the Columbia logo in awhile (I feel old for even linking it)
  • I love your overalls 
  • The hair makes you look like a figurine
  • Classic old man
  • Dude, she just wanted her bike
  • But mom that’s all of us in 2020
  • “Hey, son I was a creep back in the day” -dad
  • Casually ran over a child 
  • Candy time is the best time
  • All-star 
  • 不不不
  • You can probably pick your ball up now 
  • There was no reason to break the pot
  • The shadows are coming! 
  • You stole the key and she wants it back
  • I probably would have socked Bones in the face 
  • No, he’s not funny, he’s a JERK
  • Casually mentions his mom’s affair 
  • No means no broseph 
  • The house is a hoarder
  • Be gone jerk
  • Watch yer step bud
  • 不不不不
  • Aggressively trick or treats
  • Why would you army crawl to a haunted house 
  • Every old man in fiction
  • I thought you were going to ding dong ditch. 
  • Candy fraudulence is not something I’m here for
  • It’s a wild creature known as a “girl”.  
  • Puberty is real sir
  • Do not tear down your posters
  • This is painfully awkward 
  • How did you not see that coming
  • Bear claws are delightful pastries, not donuts
  • How is Skull an expert 
  • The word hearth is one letter away from heart
  • Is this going to play into stereotypes
Another movie where the hearth = heart

Enter the house dungeon!

  • I thought it had to stay in the yard
  • Trapped in the haunted house 
  • Shooting uvula tonsils is a bad idea
  • Sir what you are thinking of is (I think) the vulva.
  • If this were a real horror movie, chowder would be dead 
  • He’s back and angry as ever
  • Are you in an abusive relationship with your house?
  • Why is she being kept in a cage both in her circus days and in death
  • Also, you should have reported the accident 
  • property damage
  • Props to the man for standing there and not peeing himself 
  • Enlist the help of kids because it’s a kids movie
  • Chowder should be double dead
  • It’s a haunted house, it doesn’t have to play by your rules 
  • Where was her interest in you as a person? I must have missed it
  • Don’t worry the fuse is really long
  • Good thing she’s a baseball coach
  • Cool smoky visuals
  • 45 years of abuse? Yikes.
  • Awww a trio
  • Pirates 
  • Oh he lost his cape and thus some of his childhood symbolically
  • O where was Bones this entire time? What’s the equivalent of jail in a haunted house 
  • Carrots are not candy
  • That dog had good aim
the boys after fighting a cursed house

In conclusion:

Watching this as a kid, I didn’t pick up on the story of abuse in Monster House and ultimately, how sad of a story this is. You have parents who seem to leave you alone a lot with a Walmart version of Vicky from Fairly Odd Parents. You have a friend going through a parent’s divorce, puberty, and your neighbor who isolates himself to stay utterly devoted to his abuser. He seems grumpy but he’s ultimately putting himself between the kids and his abuser. Luckily, he was able to be freed and gained new friends. I recognize that’s not always the case.

Thank you for reading “Monster House: look a girl!”, I appreciate it. Comment below on what your favorite candy is for Halloween. If you like my content, consider subscribing to my mailing list and if you want another review, clickhere.

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